From Fear to Strength: Doula Domino Kirke-Badgley’s Reflections on Birth and Postpartum

Domino Kirke-Badgley is a singer-songwriter, mother, and doula behind the New York-based Carriage House Birth. In recent years, she has spent time focusing on her birth worker calling by leading a mentorship program, assisting women in the U.S. with her services and producing the book Life After Birth: Portraits of Love and the Beauty of Parenthood in partnership with Knix. 

How do you guide people to transcend fear in these deeply vulnerable moments?

‘My mantra with families is – the thing that is happening in the room, the labor itself, is not happening to you, it’s of you. Once people understand that it’s their body making the thing, they’re not a victim. You actually can just jump in the water. That really helps people. I do a lot of grounding meditations, pain coping strategies and techniques prenatally. When people are working with me, the goal is to prepare them for all potential outcomes prenatally enough that even if I wasn’t there, they’d still be able to do it. I don’t want to be something people will get overly attached to. Ultimately, the doula’s job is to remind the family that they’re built to do it. Their intuition around their body and their needs is all they need. When people hire me, I don’t let them think I have a magical ingredient that’s going to help them get through it. I’m just in their corner, cheerleading for whatever they need. That makes the anxious, fear-based part of them relax. Doulas are there really to remind people that they’re made to do it and that they have options; with all the different pathways, we can get this baby here. None of them are bad, all birth is natural.’

You’ve said that between contractions, there is expansion. And that these pauses are where the most essential work of labor lies, moments of rest, reflection and integration. Can you elaborate on this aspect of birth?

‘It’s difficult to give birth when you don’t have a moment of pause and connection. When you’re just clenching, waiting, anticipating the hard thing. A lot of people think their contractions are making change in their cervix. But actually, it’s when you’re not doing anything that makes change. Expansion happens when we’re resting. Some people don’t like to nap and they just want to keep going until they sleep. But more and more studies are saying the overall health of people who nap is better than that of those who don’t. As a doula, I’m reminding people that they’re opening, blooming, and blossoming between the surges, between the pain. It’s all the integrating and allowing that’s making the change. When all that tension is gone, your body is softening. In that softening, you’re letting your baby come down. The hardest labors, in my experience, are of people who need to have a lot of control… the type A personalities. To be able to give birth, you have to go to this other realm, and the people that are unable to let go of that last bit have harder outcomes.’

What are some of the most profound insights you’ve gained about birth that you believe more people should know?

‘Do inner work. Find out who this person giving birth is. If I was to talk to anyone about giving birth, I would say – make sure that the person giving birth is a grown-up. It’s about self-knowing. That will help you get through that threshold, that initiation. Not that everyone needs to go to therapy, it’s not about therapy as much as it’s about having that curiosity to find out about yourself.’

What are your thoughts on the power of the feminine and the often under-explored trust in the body as a woman’s innate source of strength and how can this trust be nurtured and reclaimed?

‘So often I meet families, and it’s just them and their partner; they don’t have anyone around them, and they barely have any friends that are pregnant yet. It’s just a very lonely space. Their doula is the only thing they have. I guess it comes back to re-villaging. Our inherent ability, our faith in ourselves and our abilities as women would be so enhanced with the belief of our communities and our elders. One of my funny things I do at birth is I ask them how many people they know that have had babies and we name those people in the room, just to be able to say: they did it, so I can do it. Because giving birth feels like you’re the only one on the planet that’s ever done it. That belief in the feminine and our lineage really holds me as a doula. Knowing people have been bedside for thousands of years. When I’m feeling lonely, burnt out, or frustrated with the care of a client, it helps me to remember that.’

What are the key connections between the birth experience and the postpartum recovery? And what practices are most supportive of women during this transition?

‘When people feel like they’re victims of their birth, they don’t feel empowered going into postpartum. The entrance into postpartum is so vital. You can have a really hard birth, but if you feel like your birth harmed you, then you come to your baby with some reservations. You come to your whole postpartum experience with reservations. One of my goals as a doula is to make sure my client feels like they’re the one making the choices and in the room for their delivery. We can leave our body so easily when things feel stressful. The way you’re treated in birth is the way you treat yourself and the way you talk to yourself. It’s exactly the same with postpartum. I’m really a fan of the postpartum doula model, coming in and holding you while you walk through yet another threshold. I’m also a fan of the 40-day ritual, as it’s so powerful for families to just be the three of them for 40 days. To not interrupt that space is crucial. A lot of people are out having brunch, getting manicures, allowing people to come into their home and just take baby from them after only a few days. A lot of interference can have long-term consequences. I don’t love telling people that because people live the way they live. But I do share all of my resources with people.’

What advice do you have for women and their families or support systems to create the postpartum experience that cherishes and regenerates body and soul?

‘I wholeheartedly believe in prenatally planning for your postpartum period. Having conversations with family and in-laws about what you’ll need, naming your needs. Little tweaks prenatally before the baby’s in your arms could change the whole thing. Let’s have a plan for postpartum prenatally. These are the foods I love. These are the chores I hate doing, these are the things I can imagine needing, I need you to come over and just walk my dog. You’re preparing your community for this birth and it’s really the best way to be held.’

Artwork by Joséphine Klerks